Grannyisms for card players
Speaking of which, I survived the Canasta Marathon. Angel and I arrived in Springfield at 12:30. By 1:30 we were playing cards. In the 24 hour period that we were with Granny Boo, we spent about 12 of those playing cards. When you figure in sleeping, three meals and the occasional bathroom break, you can see that we pretty much did nothing BUT play Canasta.
It started out pretty well, with each of us winning a game for the first three, and we didn't have to help Granny cheat too much. As the weekend progressed, however, it got harder and harder to help her win. By the final game I was tossing her every card I had that would make her points and bypassing stuff when I could that would help me. Of course you can't get away with that too much cuz as soon as you miss a card you should have taken, Granny's having a caniption fit. "Stupid! It makes no sense not to take an Ace!" By sheer force, we managed to finagle the cards so she would win the last game. Of course she claims it doesn't matter to her. "It's just a card game, I just enjoy getting to play with my girls. Makes no never mind to me if I win."
Yeah- and pigs fly.
Overall though, it was a good enough time. We love our Granny, despite her colorful personality. I'm glad we were able to have a trip where we all got along. Her health is starting decline (she's 82) and who knows how long we'll have her around. It was for this reason, that I decided it was time to make a record of some of her 'Grannyisms'. It's amazing the quantity of phrases she uses while playing cards. I'm not sure how many are unique to her, but I think they are unique to her hillbilly generation, so in an effort to preserve the history of a dying language, I offer you these.
"Oh, Cat Hair!" The perfect expletive for when you've just spilled your coffee or dropped something.
"Oh, Flitter!" Good for when things aren't going your way at all.
"Turkey Butt" Someone who is annoying you. Angel likes to use this one.
"Stinky Butt" An endearment for the toddler and diaper aged crowd. Granny calls my 3 yr old niece this.
"Dad Nabbit!" Another useful substitute for words that shouldn't be uttered.
"Hallelujah I'm a Bum" Not really a phrase so much as an annoying song to sing as offkey as possible so as to annoy your card enemies and make them play poorly.
"I just hate you, I wish wasn't friends!" A phrase from one of her childhood friends. Said jokingly when someone steals the pot of cards you've been drooling over for 5 rounds.
"Oh Bullwinkle!" Yet another useful expletive. (She has a lot of these.)
"Well I'll be the son of a biscuit eater!" Said when utterly shocked or amazed. Like when drawing two Aces or Jokers at a time.
"Well shoot fire in the buttermilk jar." See 'biscuit eater'. Note: Only an Ozarkian Hillbilly can make fire and jar rhyme. You must use the proper accent. Ex: 'Shoot Far in the buttermilk Jar'.
"Kafooey!" The equivalent of 'shoot'. Some may say Kaflooey, but that would be improper syntax.
"Ooo, my nose itches, I like peaches, somebody's got a whole in their britches." Said while scratching your nose. Again, note the accent to make it rhyme. Ex: 'My nose eeches, I like peeches, somebody's got a whole in their breeches.'
That concludes our Hillbilly Language class for the day. Class dismissed.