Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I'm my own twin...


Have you ever felt like you are two people in one body? A chimera of sorts, or conjoined twin without the extra limbs? A split personality (or maybe 2 or 3 or 4... ?)

On my best days I'm organized, effecient, articulate, driven and upbeat. (I said my best days - not okay days, so-so days or pretty good days.) On my worst days I can't find anything, I'm clumsy, (quit laughing Angel, I meant more than normal.) dazed and confused. I suppose most people have days like these, at least I hope so, otherwise I'm more of a freak than I supposed. (Patsy Clairmont says that Normal is just a setting on your dryer. I'm begining to realize she's hit the nail on the head.)

What gets me though is all the in-between days. The days where I have two little voices arguing back in forth inside my head.

"Go wash dishes before you read."
"Nah, I don't wanna. I'll do them later."
"NO, do it now. You're a grown-up, be responsible."
"I am a grown up. I can do what I want, you can't make me do them now."
"Wanna bet? I can guilt you till the cows come home."
"When did you start sounding like Mom?"

Am I the only one who carries on these little internal arguments? Even when my selves aren't arguing amongst themselves, I still find procrastination and perfectionism pitting themselves against drive and determination.

"I need to go work on the re-write for the book."
"Eh, you still haven't worked out the placement for all the plot changes yet. Wait until you do that. There's a good movie on."
"Yeah, but if I don't work on it, I'll never get it done."
"I'm not feeling inspired right now."
"But you will once you sit down and start writing."
"I sat in front of a computer all day, I don't want to now."
"You really need to do something. It won't write itself. You love to write, just go do it."
"Okay, I'll just check my email first... ."

What's up with that? I know writers say that they hear voices in their heads, but I always assumed it was the characters talking. My characters don't talk to me that way, but I think that's because I am all the characters. Some part of me makes up each of their different personalities. It just makes sense when they do things. I don't have to ask them why they do something. So if it's that simple, (which, it's not really, there's plot and voice and narrative and, well you get the picture) why doesn't it just flow like a river and flood my monitor? Then again, if I actually got my butt in front of the monitor more often, it might.

It's amazing how you can love something so much, like writing, and long to do it as a full time career and yet still dread actually doing it. Once I get started, the dread disapears and I get lost in the story. It's actually a blast, but for some reason I just have a hard time getting my butt in that chair.

That's why I've made a New Year's promise to myself (all of my selves) to have a set writing schedule this year. I'm sticking to it. I'm going to go do it right now - Just as soon as I check my email again... .

A.

1 comment:

chubby-girl said...

I know what you mean. Every once in a while, I get tired of scrapbooking. Usually when I am trying to finish a gift or something that I HAVE to do. But, I get engrossed in creating and forget all about that when I'm actually working on it. I'm working on Chris' Valentine tomorrow night.